Tuesday, week 1.

Today, I started. I guess I was supposed to start yesterday but I was sick all weekend and still felt badly so I stayed home. Had such a hard time getting out the door this morning - getting up was easy enough since I basically can't sleep these days and woke up from 2-3 hours of sleep around 7am... But actually going.. I've missed having a morning routine and really enjoyed getting ready, making breakfast and lunch, listening to the radio... But anxiety hit as usual and I couldn't really move for a few hours AFTER getting everything ready to go... Eventually grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down a simple plan for the day... That made it easier to manage somehow and I got. Out. The. Door.

Today's plan: Research litterature and make a list of it. Today's "I did it" motivation: I get to go to the gym.

I've been here for what.. 3 hours?? It's not much.. My "real plan" would be office hours most days, like 9am-4pm or something. Starting out easy... Really scared I'll get overwhelmed and re-visit that dark hole that I know too well.. So probably going home at 2 or 3pm today.

I've got 1½ pages of litterature and a couple of key articles saved to my tablet for reading outside at some point - always a motivation for me to go outside. I feel this is a good start.
I really need to believe in this. The biggest paper I've written was less than half the size of the requirements for a thesis. Have been so scared to start, don't know where to start! But one thing at a time. I had to do a plan for the contract, specifying what I'll write when in this entire process. If I stick to that I'll be fine.

Really just want it to be the 22nd already.. The administration offices moved the date where my thesis office will be available which really sucks! I feel like I need to be able to have a space to hang my plan up, leave post-its everywhere, have books lying around.. Need that to happen soon so it'll feel more "real" since sitting in the semi-noisy library feels too public.

Anyway, am doing this blog for my own sake. Am going to create an alarm for each afternoon to remind me to do a post in here - hopefully that'll help me stay accountable to myself.

I WILL NOT LET MY ANXIETIES RUIN THIS FOR ME. Writing a thesis should be a good experience - I'm writing about my favorite subject and I have space to really get into the things I love the most about my subject. I get to explore and do the thing I love the MOST in the entire world - LEARN. So I need to remind myself to make this a good experience.

So. Until tomorrow.

/Unni